Behold the precious, the staged and the ridiculous!

Come for our artisanal cheeses, stay for our six-pronged mandolin assault.

Yup, a V-neck with buttons. Deal with that mutherfuckers!

Grand Opening Sale-a-bration at the new Zero Dollar Store!

Support Y107′s Morning Hosts Grumpy and Pit Stain during this year’s “Stand-a-thon!”

“Thank you guys soooo much for your support!! Hugz and Luvz to all our fans!”

“Are you there God? It’s me… trying to look like you.”

And there they sat for hours in silence, all refusing to take responsibility for forgetting the picnic basket and Frisbee.

“Um Blythe, are you sure this is where the tweet said the Peruvian Barbeque Taco Truck would be parked?”

“Wake me if I get interesting.”

The Joy Less Club

Pukulele

“We will do whatever it takes to distract you from the music we play poorly.”

“Jonas calls them bottom burps, I call them not funny.”

“My fantasy football team’s poor performance is worrisome.”

“Hi, just taking a break. We’re chasing an angel through the forest. Have you seen her?”

“FOUND HER!!!!”

“Shhh… if we bag this one, we eat for a month!”

“Let me be perfectly clear Willem, you WILL wear this hoodie-shirt I made you on stage and you WILL mention my Etsy store name!”

Read the rest

Best Performance: Mike, when he dropped his entire burrito on the sidewalk. What a dick move.

Best Words with Friends Game: That time I finally beat Margo (who always cheats, hate her!!).

Best Song: I like that Forster People’s song Emily keeps singing in her cube. She’s got a good voice.

Best Album: That Strokes CD that’s been stuck in my car’s CD changer since 2005.

Best Podcast: The one where the comedian talks to his comedian friend and their other comedian friend barges in and does a funny voice. Hysterical!

Best Twitter: Love @BronxZoosCobra and also the hot chick who is kind of funny, but really hot.

Best Hashtag: #whitepeopleproblems or #askingforafriend

Best Facebook: My old girlfriend’s (guess who’s not hot anymore?!)

Best New Food Truck: Probably the one on 32nd Street that has the $23 hamburger that fat fuck Bob won’t shut up about.

Best Sports: Our softball team, “Bases LOADED”!

Best Movie: Sucker Punch, FTW!

Best Actor: Charlie Sheen, Winning!

Best Actress: Charlie Theron, Winning!

Best TV Show: Auction Lockers

Best Comedian: The divorced guy who hates life and tries to make you feel bad too. Louie Seakay or something? Hysterical! $5!

Best Website: Daytime, definitely Deadspin, I love funny videos. Nighttime, the free p0rn ones.

Best Video: “Friday! Friday! Gettin’ down on Friday!” (ha ha, totally stuck in your head now!)

Best Video Game: Kill Time Sword Hoarder IV: Stabracadabra

Best New Technology: Finally figuring out how to filter Ethan’s emails directly to the trash.

Best Gadget: Flipflop Bottle Opener.

Best Animal: Dog.

Best Friendship: Dog and Orangutan!

Best New Word: Pippa.

Best Hat: Fedora.

Best Actress in a Fedora on NBC: None.

Best Western: The one on Rt. 80, free HBO!

Best Muppet: Tie, Brobee and Flex.

Best Meme: Nap Planking (it’s really just napping)

Best Mimi: Rogers

Best Guy to Grab Some Lunch With: Gary, definitely Gary.

- list compiled by Jarrod Denston, UsedWigs customer service rep trainee

If Trish Burns is your friend and you spent last Saturday night eating dinner at her house, there is a very good chance her cat “Smitten” sat on your food. Or licked it. Or walked through it, dipping her litter-soaked paws in the various dishes with each delicate step.

Trish has never trained her cat properly and the kitchen table is definitely NOT off limits to this curious feline. In fact, Smitten loves to jump on the table and sniff about (usually when no one is looking), checking out the latest food additions to her favorite perch.

It probably would have been a good idea if Trish covered the various dishes of food she put out for her buffet-style dinner. But she didn’t.

She filled the crowded table with a lasagna, ham, potato salad, Caesar salad, broccoli and asparagus at 6:30 pm. Her guests didn’t enter the kitchen until 7:30 pm. This gave Smitten a full hour to enjoy “first dibs.”

Smitten’s dainty little paws and butt leave little, if any, trace of her furry, flea-filled touch. Her sticky little tongue (which spent most of the afternoon in her anus) produces a very small quantity of saliva. So you probably didn’t even notice that Smitten licked your chicken about 20 times.

Luckily, most people at the party were pretty buzzed (especially Mike, he had like six vodka tonics before he got there) and didn’t discern any cat-flavoring in the food. Jane however, did take note of a couple of gray hairs sticking to a piece of ham, but she didn’t say anything because Trish worked so hard making all the food. She didn’t want to upset her.

Originally posted 2/23/11, updated 1/7/12.

Remember when comedian Dave Hill came to Philly last February at Connie’s Ric Rac and the March before that at the World Cafe Live during the UsedWigs Live Show and blew the doors off? And remember how much your sides, belly and palms hurt from laughing and high-fiving your pals during Dave’s killer set? Yeah, that was crazy! Well guess what laugh lovers? Dave is coming back to Philly this Thursday, January 12th, at the Tin Angel because he loves this city so god-damned much. UsedWigs pals, ball-busting Nikki Walter and the always elegant Daniel Eastman, will also be performing. A few tickets are still available, get em now.

I asked Dave what are his five favorites things about Philly. Here are the top 5 of the 73 answers he supplied.

1. That really big mural of Dr. J on that one building:

I have never really followed basketball, but I still totally know who Dr. J is and I think it’s really great that there is a seriously large painting of him on the side of a building right there in your town where pretty much anybody can roll up on him any time they want and just say to themselves or whoever else is with them at the moment “Look — there’s Dr. J, the famous basketball player, a man we still talk about to this day. Talk about scoring points — he was great at it.” I also like that Dr. J is dressed in a cool suit in this mural. It’s like he’s just hanging out or something, instead of dressed up in one of his professional basketball outfits. This makes him seem more approachable to me, even though he is two stories high and if a person were ever really that big they could crush you without even thinking about it.

2. This one store I went to:

A couple years ago, I got dim sum (the popular Chinese brunch-like meal) with my friend Maria (who pretty much just bitched about how much she hated Chinese food the whole time. Whatever.) Afterward, we wandered around town and happened upon this one store that sold all sorts of cool stuff. The guy who ran the store told us there was a whorehouse next door, which made us giggle. Anyway, I can’t remember the name of the store, but it had a stuffed hyena in it. Odds are they are out of business by now as the hyena wasn’t for sale and you can’t exactly have a hyena in your store and not expect everyone to want to buy it a whole lot more than anything else you might be selling. Anyway, I did end up buying something else anyway, specifically a DVD of a French movie called “Don’t Deliver Us From Evil,” which is about a couple French schoolgirls who decided to align themselves with Satan instead of listening to the nuns at their school, who are total bitches. As you can probably imagine, that one pretty much writes itself. The nuns lez out, the two Satany girls kill some guy with a log, and they even set themselves on fire at the end. In short, it pretty much has everything. Run, don’t walk, to see this movie.

3. Terry Gross:

I like that Terry Gross, host of the popular “Fresh Air” public radio program, is living right there in your town. I’ve never met Terry (what I call her), but I love the idea that by coming to Philadelphia it suddenly becomes a possibility that I might run into her, cool glasses and all, in her natural habitat. And if that ever happened, I’d probably just say “Hey, Terry. You want to go get a sandwich or something?” Most people probably would have stopped at saying hello. Not me though — I swing for the fences.

4. A low tolerance for bullshit:

Whenever I step off the train and into the train station in Philadelphia (You know —  the one featured in the hit movie “Witness” starring Kelly McGillis in the role of a lifetime and I think she takes her top off at one point) and then out into the streets of Philadelphia, one of the first things I am struck by is how much the people of Philadelphia pretty much have no time for bullshit. I wish I could say the same for the people of Baltimore. Those people are so crazy for bullshit it’s not even funny. Crab cakes at a baseball game? Bullshit. Get over yourselves, Baltimorians. Anyway, that shit and a lot of other shit would never fly in Philly because pretty much everyone there hates bullshit. And I love that they hate bullshit, because I hate bullshit too. When I come to Philadelphia this weekend, I hope to round up a bunch of Philadelphians and just stand around with them while giving the finger to bullshit in all its forms. It’s gonna be pretty great.

5. Non-cheesesteak food options:

A lot of people think cheesesteaks are the only food item available in Philadelphia. This is crazy. I’ve had all sorts of food here and it was delicious. And guess what- none of it was cheesesteaks. In fact, you know what? Fuck cheesesteaks- they are doing fine without me. Another thing is that Questlove lives in Philadelphia. He is a great drummer with great hair, which is great for him and a lot of other people. One time I played a show in Philadelphia with the Walter Schreifels Band at Chuck Treece’s rock club/arts facility place. Questlove was there and I was excited to tell everyone how Questlove was there but then he left. I have other stories. Not about Questlove, but stories in general.

More:

• Keep Twitter Funny: Follow Dave Hill, Todd Barry and Jon Wurster
• Interview with Dave Hill
• @mrdavehill

Christmas Eve is magic. Always has been, always will be in my book. (That’s because my book is entitled “Christmas Eve is Magic.”) It’s my favorite day of the year and it totally kicks the butt of Easter Eve and decimates Secretary’s Day Eve. The giddy anticipation of Santa’s visit culminates on this marvelous night and if I could bottle this wonderful feeling of good will (and slight greed), I would. And then sell it to you all at friends and family discount.

Growing up there was nothing I loved more than hitting the 7:00 p.m. mass at St. Rose in Belmar and seeing some of my favorite families all decked out in their spanking new sweaters and fancy dresses. The Keady, Dwyer, Nies and Jenkins families all sat on the right side (facing the altar); the Commesso, Dunn and Lyons clans camped out on the left. I found comfort in this expected order and looked forward to seeing everyone passing by on the communion line and chatting them up as we departed. Listening to my dad bellow along to all the Christmas songs in the pew, whether he knew the words or not, was also a highlight.

After mass, neighbors, cousins and family friends would gather at my parents’ house and the holiday cheer would continue. Mom would fire up the oven and shovel in the greatest assortment of frozen treats the local Acme had to offer: mini pizzas, mini pigs-in-a-blanket, mini Reubens and mini haggis (made that last one up). Lots of beer and wine were imbibed and stories were rehashed at a rapid pace. I loved standing behind the bar with Dad or brother DJ, making sure glasses were filled while Uncle Frank sat at the end making certain chops were busted.

We always ended the night with a raucous game of trivia. My wife Kelly was the ringer everyone wanted her on his or her team. The more we drank the less we knew and the more entertaining it became. And yes, cousin Bridget, we all thought Thomas Jefferson was the one “movin’ on up, to the east side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky.” Great clue, kid!

With the passing of my parents, those nights are no longer. I can’t express how much I miss them, but the 25 years of insanely fun Christmas festivities and memories I shared with them both continue to bring me joy and some solace.

Patty proudly wearing her “Ziggy” sweatshirt Christmas gift. Ziggy was our dog. Don was his best friend.

Luckily, with every tradition that passes, a new one arises. We now celebrate the night before Christmas with the Andrews and Galer families at Uncle Hap’s house in the Mount Airy section of Philly. Hap lives in a big old corner twin house: giant doors, high ceilings, ridiculously large Christmas tree, tons of antiques and my favorite: the back pantry which houses the perfectly chilled cases of beer.

Kelly’s family is equally as fun as mine, just not as loud (save for Heather). It’s always a great time at Hap’s, lots of kids zooming around, good conversation and many bottles of red adorn the dining room table. I look forward to eating a nice selection of cheeses in the kitchen while standing next to an old treadmill and pretending to know about hockey.

My single most favorite part of the evening is the peaceful drive home along Lincoln Drive, across the river and through the Wynnewood to our little house we go. The girls nod off, snug in their jammies while Kel and I enjoy some Christmas tunes on the radio and quietly discuss what still needs to be wrapped. It’s so calm, almost creepy calm and before I freak out I remind myself, “It’s not creepy calm, it’s magic calm. People are taking the night off from evil and nonsense because Santa sprinkled his magic Quaalude dust on everyone as his sleigh passed by overhead.”

Finally, home! I enjoy giving gifts much more than receiving (unless it’s a drum set, then gimme gimme!), so once Kel goes to bed I look forward to Scotch-taping the hell out of the last few gifts I saved and popping open another beer. I kick back, listen to some WPRB, fire up some Facebook (“Ooh, look who’s drunk posting now!”) and suck in all the magical goodness the night has to offer.

Merry magical Christmas Eve to all my friends who celebrate it and believe in magic!

– Originally posted December 24, 2010

Topics: Holiday Fun, Worst Gifts Ever Given, Worst Gifts Ever Received, Dating Do’s and Don’ts, Gift Cards, Homemade Bikes, Fruit Presents, Hiding Twitter from Coworkers, People Being Horrible on Twitter, Men’s Fragrances, Tiny Husbands, Awkward Hugs, Best-Selling Christmas Music, Uncanny Valley, New Year’s Eve Hookups and The Kinks.

Guests: Anna Goldfarb and Molly Davis

Teaser: Yankee Candles, they say “I hate you!” and “She likes light!”

Playlist: “All I Want is Truth (For Christmas)” by The Mynabirds, “Winter Vacation” by The Subjects and “Only at Christmas Time” by Sufjan Stevens.

Play Now: http://www.usedwigs.com/pod/podcast91.mp3

iTunes: Download, Listen and Subscribe

Please Like Us: New Facebook Page

Related Links:

• Shmitten Kitten
• @shmittenkitten
• @molly_kats
• “Just the Ten of Us”
• Tina Fey’s Husband
• Todd’s Hot Wing Beard
• Leading Edge Model D
• Figgy Pudding
• Midge Ure
• “Do It Again”
• Nick & Nicole Epic Bros Podcast
• 24-Hour Holiday Radio Show on WPRB!

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Get out there, people. Work hard, make it happen.

Photo: Pat Graham

Remember during the latest Low Times podcast when Patrick Stickles tells Scharpling that he really likes Bat Out of Hell II: Back Into Hell by Meatloaf! Clearly we were all wondering what happened to that bat decades after the fact. Thank goodness Meatloaf gave us the closure we so desperately craved.  Seriously though, we’re all allowed to like some silliness (I have four Goo Goo Dolls tattoos. Don’t worry, 2 of them are temporary.) and good for Patrick for fessing up to his love of sweat rock. This audacious, bat-based record did get me thinking about other follow-ups to popular concept albums. Let’s take a look at a few missed opportunities.

Octophenia by The Who – Concept: It is ten years later in Brighton and Quadrophenia’s main mod, Jimmy, now has eight distinct personalities. His new “practical joker” personality is really pissing off the other seven. Whoopee cushions on the GS Scooter and giving the Ace Face the ol’ joy buzzer handshake get old real quick. John Entwistle’s refusal to make fart noises with his bass sounded the death knell for this proposed quadruple double album. Plus, imagine the lost licensing fees for each song’s eventual placement in episodes of the now defunct United States of Tara. Hundreds of dollars, gone.

Read the rest at Low Times>

Our UsedWigs Holiday Shows are always super fun! We’ll have gifts, awesome guests and lots of (snow)ball busting! Plus, you can eat holiday crepes filled with roasted chestnuts or snow or tinsel or any other fillings you want, we don’t  judge you on what you eat at our shows. Unless it’s reindeer, that is awful and you should feel really ashamed for even asking the waiter about it. Anyway, get over your shame and come to this show or we’ll send Jack Frost (pictured above) to come nip at your nose. (He has hidden tiger teeth!) I mentioned guests, and boy oh boy, we are super pumped to have two lovely ladies join us to spread some holiday cheer!

Anna Goldfarb is a Philadelphia-based author, humorist, and screenwriter. She loves short guys. Like, she really loves them. It’s kinda weird. She writes about bonerkillers on Shmitten Kitten and you can follow her on Twitter at @ShmittenKitten.

Molly Davis is a very funny and popular Twitter personality and more importantly she hates her upstairs neighbor and hummus. Don’t bring either to the show! Check in with Molly on Twitter at @Molly_Kats

Let’s Do This!!

UsedWigs Holiday Podcast Recording Session

Tuesday, December 20, 2011 – 8:00pm
L’etage
624 South 6th Street
Philadelphia, PA 19147

Admission: FREE!

NEW: Please visit and LIKE our new Facebook Page.

Past Shows!

• UsedWigs Radio Podcast 90: Guests Madame Fromage and Nikki Walter
• UsedWigs Radio Podcast 89: Guest Jon Solomon
• UsedWigs Radio Podcast: Mates of State Interview
• UsedWigs Radio Podcast 88: Brian Seymour
• UsedWigs Radio Podcast 87: Guests Kelly Vrooman and SM Shrake
• UsedWigs Radio Podcast 86: Guests Doogie Horner and Maggie Serota
• UsedWigs Radio Podcast 85: Guests Dave Hill and Nikki Walter

I am loving these shorts directed by Lynda Balsama. These cops are so much more interesting than Richard Dreyfuss and Emilio Estevez. The episode above features Chris Orbach and Steve Di Schiavi of the Travel Channel’s “The Dead Files.” The debut episode below features Seth Gilliam and Chris Orbach.

Hi loved ones, in addition to my laborious UsedWigs nonsense-spewing, I’m very excited to be contributing to the mighty Low Times. Here’s my first bit of business for them:

Good Cover / Bad Cover – “Someday I Will Treat You Good”

For every good cover version of a song, there is a bad one. Sorry, that’s just how the universe works.

In all the years I’ve been shouting chatting about music with people, absolutely no one has asked me, “Hey Jeff, what’s your favorite song about being left on the side of the road?” and that really bothers me because I have not one, but two A+ answers. To remedy this, let’s pretend you and I are sitting in a Starbucks getting to know each other, drinking some fartberry-spiced coffees and splitting a $7 doughnut. You say, “Jeff, I know it’s none of my business and we just met but what are your two favorite songs about being left on the side of the road?”

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More: Get Down with The Low Times Podcast